Last week I told you my son broke two bones in one week.
His finger. Then his collarbone.
The first few days were rough. Now he's starting to feel better, and the questions have started.
"Can we go play soccer?"
"Why can't I play at recess?"
So this week, during recess, the school had him do art instead.
He likes art a lot. But he's also a kid who needs to move, and sitting inside while everyone else ran around was tough.
The other morning in the car, he told me he actually enjoyed the art.
Then, in the same breath, he asked when he can go back to soccer.
Both things were true.
What’s Inside
THE INSIGHT: The story your kid tells about a setback matters more than the setback.
WHAT TO DO THIS WEEK: Borrow a hero they already love.
PICKS: A talk on the power of "yet," a book on sticking with hard things, and an old proverb for kids who fall down.
CHALLENGE: Find the setback your kid is living right now.
THE INSIGHT
A setback becomes whatever story your kid tells about it.
Last week was about the first look, what your kid reads on your face when something goes wrong.
This week is what comes after. The waiting.
A broken bone is just a broken bone. What it means is up to the kid. And a kid sitting inside at recess has a few stories to choose from. "I'm missing out." "This isn't fair." "I'm the kid who gets hurt."
Or, "This is the part where I get better at something else."
We can't hand them that last one. We can offer it.
My son and I have been working our way through the Marvel movies. We just watched Thor.
So in the car, I asked him if he knew what a setback was. We talked about it. Then I reminded him of the part where Thor loses his hammer.
The thing he thought made him Thor. Gone.
Even his own dad asks him, "Are you Thor, the God of Hammers?"
And instead of quitting, he works on new skills. He finds out he can do things he never knew he could. And he comes back even better in the long run.
I told him this could be his time to get better at art.
I didn't tell him how to feel about recess. I didn't give him a speech about patience. I gave him a hero he already looks up to, going through the same thing he's going through.
There's research behind this. In 2017, a team of researchers gave four and six year olds a boring task, with a fun video game sitting right next to them. Some kids were asked to pretend to be a hero like Batman while they worked. Those kids stuck with it the longest.
The researchers called it the Batman Effect. Kids hold out longer when they're someone in a story.
My son still wants to know when he can play soccer.
He should. That's the comeback.
For now, he's getting better at art.
WHAT TO DO THIS WEEK
Borrow a hero they already love.
When your kid can't do the thing they love, whether it's an injury, a team they didn't make, or something taken off the table for a while:
Let both things be true. They can enjoy the new thing and still miss the old one. Don't rush them past the missing. "I know. You really want to get back out there." Start where they are. It's meeting the feeling first.
Give them the word. Ask if they know what a setback is. Talk about it. Kids handle things better when the thing has a name, and "setback" carries its own ending. It means you come back.
Pick a hero from something you've shared. A movie you watched together. A book you read at bedtime. An athlete they follow. Find the moment where the hero loses something and has to keep going. You don't need to explain the lesson. Just remind them of the part.
Point to what can grow right now. Look at what's in front of them. For my son, the school handed us art. For your kid, it might be reading, a new skill, helping the team from the sideline. Ask, "What could you get better at while you wait?"
Come back to it. Later in the week, when they mention the new thing, ask what they're getting better at. That keeps the story going.
How this looks changes with age.
With little kids, the hero does most of the work. Let them pretend. Let them be the one who lost the hammer.
From about eight, they're old enough to filter you. Keep it about the hero, not about them. Tell the story and let them make the connection.
With teenagers, ask instead of telling. "Who's someone you look up to who had to sit out for a while?" Their answer will tell you which story they need.
Pro tip: Use it on yourself. When you hit a setback, a hard season at work, a plan that fell through, ask which hero you'd want to be in that moment. Your kids are watching how you handle your setbacks too.
PICKS
🎥 Watch: The power of believing that you can improve - Carol Dweck, TED. A short talk on the difference between "I can't" and "I can't yet." Good to watch before your next setback conversation.
📚 Read: Grit by Angela Duckworth - One of the researchers behind the Batman study, on passion, perseverance, and how kids learn to stick with hard things.
❤️ Quote: "Fall seven times, stand up eight." - Japanese proverb
CHALLENGE
This week, find the setback your kid is living right now. Big or small.
Think of a hero they love who went through something like it. Remind them of that part.
Reply and tell me which hero you picked.
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