My son loves to build cities, mazes, forts… all kinds of different worlds. Not little ones. Block towers, pillow walls, couch cushions hauled in as neighborhoods, whole worlds that take over the floor or entire room.
And when we finally tell him it's time to clean it up, the same thing happens. He comes apart. Full body, on the floor, done.
For a long time, I’d simply say “You can build it again tomorrow, it’s no big deal… we'll help you.”
Every word made it worse.
So one night I stopped. I got down next to him and said, "You built an entire city. And now the whole thing has to come down."
That's all. I didn't fix it, I didn't rush him.
His breathing changed. Then, and only then, could I talk to him.
What's Inside
THE INSIGHT: Why “calm down” backfires, and what to do instead.
WHAT TO DO THIS WEEK: Say the feeling out loud before you try to move it.
PICKS: Co-regulation, connect and redirect, and understanding first.
CHALLENGE: Catch one moment you'd normally rush past the feeling. Pace it instead.
THE INSIGHT
Meet the feeling before you try to move it.
At the end of last week's issue on presuppositions, I mentioned that you have to be careful presupposing a feeling. Assuming the room gets cleaned is safe. Assuming your kid is going to have fun at practice, before they feel anything close to it, is where it goes sideways. Tell a kid who's dreading practice "you're going to have so much fun" and they don't feel met. They feel run over.
You can get to that good feeling. You just don't start there. You start with the feeling that's already in the room. That's pacing and leading.
Pacing means you show them you get it. There are two ways to do it.
The first is with your words. You say back what's true right now.
"You built that whole thing and now it has to come down."
"You really didn't want to stop."
That doesn't mean the meltdown is fine. It means you see what they see.
The second is with your body.
You match how they are, the energy, not the words. If they're down on the floor, you get down there too. If they're worked up, don't come in flat and cheerful, that feels like you're on a different planet. Meet their energy first. Then you can be the one who slowly brings it down, and they follow you there.
Leading is what comes next. Once they feel you with them, you're the one person who can move them somewhere new. "Let's take a picture of it, then you get to knock it down." It only works in that order. Meet them first, then move them.
Here's why the order matters. A kid in a big feeling can't hear you. That's the whole point of The State Problem. The thinking part of their brain is offline. So when you lead with the fix, "it's just blocks, you can build it tomorrow," you're talking to an empty room. Pacing is how you get them back in it. They feel met, they settle, and now someone's there to hear you.
"Calm down" skips all of it. It's a lead with nothing in front of it. You're telling them to be somewhere you never walked them to. That's why it lands as a brush-off, and why it usually makes things worse. Push a feeling on a kid that isn't there yet and they'll dig in harder to prove you wrong.
Once they've settled, this is where you can reach for the good feeling. But you offer it, you don't announce it. Don't tell them "there, now you feel better." That's the same mistake as "calm down," aimed the other way.
Instead plant a seed of the feeling, like this…
"Maybe part of you is a little bit ready to knock it down."
"I bet the next one could be even bigger."
Words like maybe, a little, might, I bet. You're not handing them a feeling. You're holding a door open and letting them walk through it on their own.
WHAT TO DO THIS WEEK
Pace twice before you lead once.
The next time your kid comes apart, try it in this exact order.
Pace first. Say one true thing about where they are, out loud, with nothing tacked on. "You were having so much fun and now it's over." No "but." No "at least." The second you add "but you can play tomorrow," the pace is gone and you've jumped to the lead, and they feel it. And do it with your body too, get down on their level, drop your voice, slow down. The words and the body work together.
Then wait for the drop. You're watching for one small thing to give. A breath. Shoulders coming down. Eyes finding yours. That's the signal they feel met. It usually takes less time than you'd think, but it almost never happens on the first sentence, which is why you pace at least twice before you try to move anywhere.
Then lead. Now you point at where you're going.
"So let's take the picture, then you knock down the first tower."
"So let's get your shoes, and we'll be back Saturday."
You've earned the turn.
If they snap right back to the feeling. It doesn't mean you failed. It means the pace didn't land yet. Don't push the lead harder. Go back and pace again. Most of the time, one more true sentence is all it needed.
Pro tip: This works on the adult in your house, too. When your partner is venting about their day, “you should just talk to your boss” is a lead with no pace. “That sounds like it went sideways all afternoon” is a pace. One makes them defensive. The other makes them lean in. Same move, bigger human.
PICKS
🎧 Listen: Calm in the Storm: How Co-Regulation Can Strengthen Your Bond With Your Kids - The Peaceful Parent with Lisa Smith. A full episode on the science of staying calm enough to lend a kid your calm. It's pacing and leading under a different name, with the research on why your regulated presence brings their volume down.
📚 Read: The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson - Their “connect and redirect” is pacing and leading with a brain scan attached. Connect with the feeling first, redirect second, never in the other order. If this week's idea landed, this is the whole book on it.
❤️ Quote: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” - Stephen Covey
CHALLENGE
This week, catch the one moment you'd normally reach for “calm down” or “you're fine.” Stop. Say one true thing about what they're feeling instead, and say nothing else. Watch what their body does in the next ten seconds.
Reply and tell me what changed.
STORY STRONG SESSION
If every hard moment in your house turns into a standoff, the problem usually isn't the moment itself. It's the step that's missing before it. That's what these sessions are for.
Bring the moment that always blows up. We'll find the pace that's missing.
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