My son plays soccer every Saturday and Sunday.
He loves it. Soccer is definitely his sport.
During last Saturday’s game my son went down hard.
Flat on his stomach with his hand underneath him.
He got up gasping and had knocked the wind right out of himself.
He didn’t even know his finger was hurt.
By night it was swelling and starting to turn black and blue. By morning it was not looking good.
So, we went to the doctor and unfortunately had to miss Sunday’s game.
Yup… he broke it.
Three days later, the school called.
He’d fallen again. Broken collarbone. The same one he broke two and a half years ago.
He was in a lot of pain.
He didn’t even have to say anything… you could just see it.
What’s Inside
THE INSIGHT: The first thing your kid checks when something goes wrong, and it isn’t the injury.
WHAT TO DO THIS WEEK: Steady your face first. Then help them tell the story.
PICKS: A psychologist on the voice in your head, a book on staying steady, and a line about the space before you react.
CHALLENGE: Notice your face before your words.
THE INSIGHT
Your kid checks your face before they decide how bad it is.
Last week was about where your kid puts their attention when someone’s mean.
This week it’s where they look when something goes wrong.
They look at you.
Researchers have a name for this. Social referencing. When a kid isn’t sure how to feel about something, they check a trusted adult’s face and borrow the answer.
The classic study is from 1985. James Sorce and his colleagues put one-year-olds on a glass table built to look like a sudden drop. Mom stood on the far side. The babies crawled to the edge, stopped, and looked up at her.
When she smiled, 74% of them crossed.
When she looked afraid, none did.
Same table. Same drop. The only thing that changed was mom’s face.
Our kids get older, and they get better at hiding it. They still do a version of it. A kid in pain on an exam table is asking a few questions without saying a word. How bad is this? Am I going to be okay? Is everyone upset with me?
Your face answers before you do.
And whatever they read there becomes part of the story they tell about what happened. “I got hurt, and we handled it.” Or “Something really bad happened to me.” Same broken bone. Two very different stories to carry into the next hard thing.
It’s what we talked about in The Parent Mirror. Their patterns start with ours.
Here’s the hard part. You don’t get much say in that room over what your face does. Your body has mostly decided by the time you walk in. Your heart is pounding. Your mind is running ahead to surgery, to the first break, to whatever you said the last time.
The calm your kid reads on your face in the doctor’s office gets built on ordinary days.
In how you handle traffic.
In how you come back from a bad morning.
In the small practices that let you change your state when you’ve got nothing left.
That’s why the work we do on ourselves matters so much.
It’s there for the moment they look up.
Now… my son will probably tell this story for years.
How he broke two bones in one week.
Playing the sport he loves.
I want him to tell it as the week he got hurt and got through it.
WHAT TO DO THIS WEEK
Steady your face first. Then help them tell the story.
The next time something happens where you’d normally overreact or get scared:
Steady yourself before you speak. One long breath out. Drop your shoulders. Slow your voice down. Your kid reads your face before they hear a word, so give your face a few seconds to catch up.
Meet the hurt first. “That really hurts. I’m right here. We’re going to get it looked at.” Say what’s true and steady first. The details can come after.
Hold the lesson for later. If there’s something to learn, maybe they were doing something they weren’t supposed to, it will land when they’re calm. In the middle of the pain, they can’t really hear you. One thing to be aware of: holding it isn’t skipping it. Come back to it once things have settled.
Help them tell the story after. A day or two later, ask them to tell you what happened. Let them tell it their way. Then add the part they might leave out: what they did next. How they got up. How brave they were at the doctor’s. You’re offering an ending where they’re the one who chose what happens next.
Build your calm on the easy days. Pick one small practice and do it every day this week, while nothing is going wrong. A few minutes of quiet in the morning. A walk. A breath before you walk in the door. It’s practice for the day the school calls.
How this looks changes with age.
With little kids, your face is almost everything. Get down to their level and let them see you steady.
From about eight, they’re watching your words and your face, and checking if they match. “I’m fine” through a clenched jaw doesn’t land.
With teenagers, they may not look at you at all. They’re still listening to how you sound. Keep your voice low and slow, and say less.
Pro tip: Talk to yourself by name. Psychologist Ethan Kross found that people who coach themselves using their own name or “you,” instead of “I,” felt less anxious and performed better under pressure. “Steve, you’ve done this before. Slow down.” It puts a little distance between you and the moment. That little distance is often enough to steady your face.
PICKS
🎥 Watch: Do you talk to yourself? Here’s how to harness your inner voice - Ethan Kross, TED. A University of Michigan psychologist on the voice in your head, and simple ways to calm it down when it’s running away from you.
📚 Read: Stillness Is the Key by Ryan Holiday - Short chapters on staying steady when everything around you isn’t. Easy to read a chapter at a time on the busy weeks.
❤️ Quote: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.” - commonly attributed to Viktor Frankl
CHALLENGE
This week, the next time something goes wrong, big or small, notice your face before you say a word.
Then, later, ask your kid to tell you the story of what happened.
Reply and tell me how they told it.
PAST NEWSLETTERS
September 18: The Replay Question: Let Them Say It Before You Do