The Clock Forward: How to Change Your State When You've Got Nothing Left

The other night I had nothing left.

I hadn't slept well the night before and I was "cooked," as the kids say these days.

I didn't feel like making up a story. If I'm being straight with you, I didn't feel like telling one either.

I know what a story does. I write about it every Friday. None of that changed the fact that I didn't have it in me.

Then a thought showed up.

He's not 6 anymore.

Soon I'll be saying he's not 7 anymore. Then 8. Then 9.

And somewhere in there is a night where he stops asking us to put him to bed at all.

For now, he's still asking. He still wants to know what happens next.

That's when my state switched...

I wasn't tired after that.

In fact, now I couldn't wait to start.

What's Inside

THE INSIGHT

Last week I wrote about my son getting the fact right and the ending wrong.

Standing in the hallway that night, I was doing the same thing.

I was exhausted. That was true.

The ending I was about to staple to it, "so tonight doesn't count," was the part I made up.

Here's what I want you to understand.

I've studied this stuff for years. I coach people through it. I write this newsletter every week. And I still stood there not wanting to tell a story.

That's not a slip or a fault.

That's how it works.

Learning a better response doesn't completely erase the old one. It layers on top of it. The old one is still in there, and it comes back when you're tired, or stressed, or stretched thin, which is exactly when you'd rather it didn't.

So yes, I still reach for things I know I shouldn't. The raised voice. The rush. The shortcut that ends the moment faster.

What's different now is the gap.

It used to take me a while to notice. If I even noticed at all...

Then it got a little faster. Now it's almost immediate, sometimes in the middle of the sentence or even before I say anything. It's more of a muscle you build over time.

But the muscle isn't perfect. And neither are we.

You're not trying to become someone who never reaches for the old thing. You're trying to catch it faster or before it happens.

Back to the hallway.

I didn't push through it. Pushing through was never going to work at that hour, and willpower at 8:30pm is not a plan.

I ran the clock forward instead.

He's not 6 anymore. He won't be 7 forever. And there's a night coming when he doesn't ask for a story anymore. I won't know it's the last night while it's happening.

That thought isn't sad if you use it right. It put the night back in front of me at full size.

I've written about getting your child's state right before you tell them anything. This is the same thing pointed at myself. I didn't have the state, so I changed it, and then I had it.

Changing my state changed the night. I showed up the way I wanted to. Not as a perfect dad, just one doing it the best way he can.

Back in January I wrote that the first window runs to about seven. That's part of why I don't skip.

It stopped being the main reason a while ago.

The main reason is that I like it. He still asks for stories. He still wants to know what happens next. I'm lucky I get to do this.

None of that makes it easy. Parenting is the hardest thing I do and I'm not going to pretend otherwise.

It's also the most important job there is, and I think it's the best thing we get in this life. Everything else is worth more because of it.

So no, I'm not perfect at it. I don't think anybody is. I just don't want to miss it.

One thing to be careful with.

Watch how you hold this. Running the clock forward is meant to make tonight bigger, not to make you feel behind.

If it leaves you counting the nights you didn't do it, you've turned it into a stick, and a stick will make you avoid bedtime instead of looking forward to it.

And some nights you really are done. A short one counts. A book counts. Lying there in the dark talking about nothing counts. The goal is to be in the room, not to perform.

WHAT TO DO THIS WEEK

This one's about bedtime, but it isn't only about bedtime. With older kids it might be the car on the way to school, or practice, or how you walk in at dinner. Same thing, just a different location.

So, if you catch yourself showing up in a state you didn't want, do this.

Step 1 - Notice the state you're in. Being tired is real. So is being angry, worried, checked out, or whatever.

Step 2 - Don't argue with the state. Arguing with it keeps you in it. You're not trying to talk yourself out of how you feel. You're changing what you're looking at.

Step 3 - Run the clock forward. Put yourself a few years ahead and look back at this moment. What would you give to have it back? Who would you want to have been in it? Let that answer set the state.

Step 4 - Move while it's still warm. That state has a short shelf life. So move within a minute of having the thought, and let the new state carry you in.

Pro tip: Point the same thought at whatever phase is annoying you right now. The endless questions. The negotiation over socks. There's a version of you a few years from now that would take that back in a second. It doesn't make tonight less annoying. It changes what it costs you.

PICKS

CHALLENGE

This week you'll hit a moment you don't feel like showing up for. Before you decide anything, run the clock forward. Look back at it from a few years out, then choose.

Reply and tell me what you did.

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