Every night before stories, my son and I race into his room. Before I then start a story, I have him close his eyes, take a slow breath, and let his whole body go loose. A few seconds of wind-down. I've done it so many times I stopped noticing I do it.
Then one night I skipped it and just started telling a story.
He stopped me. "No, I want you to tell me a story."
"I am," I said.
"You didn't have me close my eyes. You didn't have me breathe. You didn't tell me to relax."
To him, that wasn't the warm-up to the story. That was the story. I'd tied the two together so tightly that without the cue, it didn't count.
What's Inside
THE INSIGHT: How a small, repeated cue gets wired to a feeling, and how to build one on purpose.
WHAT TO DO THIS WEEK: Pick one state you want on tap, and give it a handle.
PICKS: Anchors for emotional regulation, showing up on purpose, and what repetition makes us.
CHALLENGE: Find the anchor you've already built by accident. Name it.
THE INSIGHT
The cue you repeat is the cue that sticks.
Last week was about reaching the good state. You pace the feeling that's already in the room, then you lead them somewhere calmer. Hard work, and you do it from scratch every time.
This week is about saving that state so you can find it again.
Here's the thing that makes it possible. A feeling and whatever's happening at the same moment get linked in a kid's brain. Do it enough times and one brings back the other. The cue on its own starts to carry the feeling.
There's a name for the cue. It's called an anchor.
Your kid is getting anchored all day, whether you mean to or not. The garage door means you're home, and they light up before they see your face. A certain sharp edge in your voice means something's coming, and they brace before they know why. The click of the seatbelt, the smell of the same shampoo, the song that plays in the car on the way to the good place. Each one got tied to a feeling by nothing more than showing up next to it, over and over.
That's what happened at bedtime in my house. Eyes closed, one breath, shoulders loose, night after night, until those few seconds stopped being a warm-up and turned into the thing that means a story is coming. Tied so tight that when I skipped it, my son said the story wasn't there.
You can build one on purpose with just three pieces.
Catch the state when it's already real. You're not manufacturing a feeling here. You wait until they're genuinely calm, or genuinely proud, or close to you, and you work with what's already there.
Add the same small cue, every time, exactly. A hand on the same spot. The same short phrase. Same words, same tone. The sameness is the whole point. A cue that changes every night never sets.
Then repeat it until it holds. This part takes time. The first few nights the cue is just a nice moment. Somewhere down the line it stops being a moment and becomes a handle you can reach for.
Notice this stays honest to the rule this whole series runs on. You're not installing a feeling. You catch a state they reached on their own, and you give it a door they can walk back through. Same as always. You hold the door. They walk.
One warning, and it's the important part. Anchors run both directions. The cue you repeat most is the one that sets, and plenty of parents are anchoring the wrong thing without seeing it. If the only time your face goes tight and your voice drops is the worst moment of the day, that look becomes a cue too, and it starts to carry the dread instead of the calm. Your kid feels the storm coming the second they see it. So before you build a good one, take a look at what you're already building.
WHAT TO DO THIS WEEK
Give one good state a handle.
Pick one feeling you wish you could reach when you need it. Just one.
Bedtime calm. Courage before something hard. The way back to each other after a rough afternoon.
Now pick one cue you can repeat exactly. Keep it small. A hand on the same spot on their back. Three squeezes of their hand that mean "I've got you." A short phrase you'll say the same way every time. You're after small and repeatable, not big and memorable, because you're going to do this a lot.
Then set it when the good state is already there. When they're already settled and close, add the cue. Not in the middle of a meltdown, because whatever's running when you add the cue is what the cue links to. Tie it to the calm, on the calm days, on purpose.
Do that for a week in the easy moments. Then, once, in a smaller hard moment, use the cue and watch what their body does in the next few seconds.
Don't expect the first firing to carry a big feeling. It's a week of quiet reps that gives the cue something to hold. You're not looking for magic. You're looking for a shoulder drop, a breath, a half-second where they come back toward you. That's the anchor starting to hold.
Pro tip: Build one for yourself, too. On a good, steady day, pair your own calm with something small, three slow breaths, a hand flat on the counter, one word you say under your breath. Do it when you're already grounded, again and again. Then on the hard day, when you can feel yourself climbing, you've got a cue of your own to reach for instead of nothing.
PICKS
🎥 Watch: Using Anchors for Emotional Regulation - A clear, practical example of helping kids identify their triggers and pair them with grounding cues. This week's idea in action.
📚 Read: The Power of Showing Up by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson - The whole book is the long version of this week's idea. Show up the same way enough times and your steady presence becomes the thing they carry, a felt anchor they reach for even when you're not in the room.
❤️ Quote: "We are what we repeatedly do." - Will Durant, summing up Aristotle. The small thing you do again and again is the thing that lasts. That's true of the cues you build, too.
CHALLENGE
This week, find one anchor you've already built by accident. A cue that reliably shifts your kid one way or the other, a word, a look, a sound, a spot you touch. Good or bad, catch it and name it.
Reply and tell me the one you found.