My son was Spider-Man for Halloween two years ago.
And... he's going as Spider-Man again this year.
Though, not just any Spider-Man.
This year is the Big Time Stealth Suit Spider-Man.
If you're not up on your Spider-Man suits, this is the one Peter Parker builds in the comics to make himself invisible.
Hence, the stealth part of the name.
He's already asked if he could be Spider-Man again next year.
Different suit, of course!
He loves Spider-Man… if you couldn’t tell.
And it got me thinking about what a kid actually puts on when they put on a costume.
What’s Inside
THE INSIGHT: A mask can make a kid braver. It can also help them forget who they are.
WHAT TO DO THIS WEEK: Give the costume a story before Saturday.
PICKS: Stan Lee on the human side of his heroes, a book on the voice in our heads, and why any kid can picture themselves as Spider-Man.
CHALLENGE: One question about the costume, before they put it on.
THE INSIGHT
A costume hides who they are. A story reminds them.
Last week was about just one more, and what your kids are really asking for changes shape as they grow.
This week the shape is a suit... or a mask.
In 1976, psychologist Ed Diener and his team ran an experiment on Halloween night in Seattle. More than 1,300 trick-or-treaters. They didn't know they were part of it.
A woman answered the door, told each kid to take one piece of candy, and left the room. Someone watched through a peephole hidden in the decorations.
Sometimes she asked each kid their name and where they lived. Sometimes she didn't.
Kids who came alone and had been asked their name took extra candy 7.5% of the time.
Kids who came in a group and stayed anonymous took extra 57% of the time.
And in the groups, most kids did whatever the first kid at the bowl did.
Same night. Same bowl. The difference was whether anyone knew who was under the costume.
Two weeks ago, I wrote about the other side of this. In the setback story, kids who pretended to be Batman stuck with a boring task longer than kids who stayed themselves.
So a costume can go either way.
It can help a kid be braver than they feel. Or it can help them forget who they are for a night.
What decides it is whether there's a story under the suit.
A mask on its own just hides you. A character comes with a story.
What they do when it's scary.
What they do when nobody's watching.
That's the part we get to offer.
It's the same idea behind the As-If Frame. You talk to the kid who's already there. A costume just makes it easier to see who that is.
Back in August, it was a Spider-Man watch. Now it's the whole suit.
And Peter Parker is a pretty good story to put on. Even in a suit built to make him invisible, he's still Peter. He still does the right thing when nobody can see him.
Saturday night, my son will be invisible.
I want him to know who's under there.
WHAT TO DO THIS WEEK
Give the costume a story.
Before Halloween, ask about the character. Pick a moment and ask what their hero does there. "What does Spider-Man do when something's scary?" "What does he do when nobody's watching?" Let them answer. Their answer is the story. You don't need to add a lesson to it.
On the night, use their name. "Nice web, [name]." It sounds small. In the study, being asked their name was enough to bring a lot of kids back to themselves. You don't need to make it about the candy.
After Halloween, borrow the character. The costume goes back in the closet. The story doesn't have to. When something gets hard in November, try "What would Spider-Man do here?" Then let them be the one who answers.
How this looks changes with age.
With little kids, they don't wear the character. They become it. Run with it.
From about eight to thirteen, costumes start getting picked for friends, or for a laugh. Ask what they like about the character. Treat whatever they say as one possible read of who they'd like to be, not a verdict.
With teenagers, there may be no costume at all. But the group part of the study matters most here. A big night out with friends, nobody really keeping track. Connect before they go. Use their name on the way out the door.
Pro tip: Write down the costumes. Year by year, it's a running list of who your kid wanted to be. In ten years, that list is a story you can tell them about themselves.
PICKS
🎧 Listen: 'Fresh Air' Remembers Marvel Comics Writer and Editor Stan Lee - NPR's Fresh Air. Terry Gross's 1991 conversation with the man who co-created Spider-Man, on giving his heroes "the most human and realistic qualities possible." About 16 minutes.
📚 Read: Chatter by Ethan Kross - A psychologist and one of the researchers behind the Batman Effect study, on the voice in our heads and how to turn it from critic to coach. The same trick that helps a kid in a cape works on us.
❤️ Quote: "Anybody reading Spider-Man in any part of the world can imagine that they themselves are under the costume." - Stan Lee
CHALLENGE
Before your kid puts the costume on, ask them one question.
"What does [character] do when nobody's watching?"
Reply and tell me what they said.
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