The Values Installation: How to Make Values Stick

The other night, we finished a few chapters of a book at bedtime. 

My son looked at me and said, "Dad, can you tell me a story about Ember the Dragon?"

We'd just read together. But he still wanted more. He wanted Ember.

I didn’t have a story ready… So, I made one up on the spot.

Ember had to do something scary, chose to be brave anyway, and it worked out. Five minutes, totally improvised.

You see, I created Ember when I first started telling stories at bedtime. He’s a dragon that embodies courage, loyalty and a few other values. 

I've also created other characters for different values. And I've been telling these stories consistently at bedtime.

Now these characters live in his mind. When my son faces something scary, I don't lecture about bravery. 

I just ask: "What would Ember do?" And he knows. He feels it.

That's the difference between teaching values and installing them.

Last week, we talked about the three programming windows when values get installed. If you have kids under 7, you're IN that window right now. 

And if your kids are older, this still works, you're just working with their Modeling Window instead.

Here's exactly how to use it.

What’s Inside

THE INSIGHT

I've tried telling one story about honesty and expecting it to stick. Told a great story about courage, moved on the next night, wondered why nothing changed.

Turns out, one story is entertainment. Repetition is how values stick.

Values install through repetition and attachment. Different story every night, new characters constantly, one great lesson then move on. None of it stuck.

What works: same character, same value, different scenarios. Your child needs to see the pattern. They need to attach to someone. And they need to see it applies everywhere, not just in stories.

Try This for a Few Weeks

Three things need to happen:

Do this for about three weeks. Here's what that looks like.

(And look, you don't have to do the same character every single night for three weeks straight. I mix it up. Some nights it's Ember, some nights it's The Honest Fox or another character working on a different value. The key is coming back to the same character and value consistently enough that the pattern builds. Don't stress about perfection. But, to keep this simple, it might be easier to stick with one character for now.)

First Week: The Character Learns It

The character faces a situation where the value matters. They demonstrate it and it works. This happens multiple times over the week with different scenarios.

Example: Ember faces something scary (a dark cave, a challenge, another dragon). He feels afraid but chooses courage anyway. It works out. Different situations, same choice, same result.

Second Week: Others Notice

Same character, new scenarios, same value. Now other characters start to recognize them for this quality.

Example: Other animals come to Ember when they're scared because "Ember is brave." A younger dragon asks for help. Ember becomes the one everyone turns to for courage.

Third Week: The Character Owns It

The character teaches the value to someone else. They reflect on who they've become. The value is now part of their identity.

Example: Ember teaches a younger dragon how to be brave. Says something like, "I used to be scared too. But I learned courage means doing it anyway." The younger dragon starts acting like Ember.

By Week 3, your child isn't just hearing about the value. They're watching the character become it.

Connect It During the Day

Stories alone won't do it. You need to bridge the story to real life.

When you see the value show up:

This moves the value from the story into your child's mind. Ember becomes a reference point. The value becomes theirs.

And here's what happens: your child starts to believe they can be brave too. Not just that bravery is good. That they are capable of it. The value starts shaping how they see themselves.

Next week, we'll get into beliefs and how they connect to the values you're installing now.

PARENT SKILL

What it is: A practical framework for installing ONE core value over 3 weeks using bedtime stories and daily reinforcement.

Why it works: Bedtime is a wonderful 10-minute programming window. Your child is in theta state, their critical thinking is offline, and metaphors bypass resistance. Add repetition and reinforcement, and the value installs at the identity level.

Try this:

Step 1 - Choose ONE Value

Pick ONE value. 

Courage, Honesty, Kindness, Resilience, Confidence, Curiosity, Generosity or something else that fits you.

Not "good manners" or "being responsible." Those are behaviors, not values. You're installing the foundation that drives behavior.

Step 2 - Design Your 3-Week Story Arc

Use the same character. It can be Ember, their favorite character, or one you make up.

Week 1 Arc: Character faces challenge, demonstrates value, wins
Week 2 Arc: Character faces new challenges, value is tested, others notice
Week 3 Arc: Character teaches the value, reflects on identity, owns it

You don't need to write detailed stories. Just the arc. The bedtime story can be improvised around it.

Step 3 - Come Back to It Consistently

Same character. Same value. Different scenarios.

Keep it short (3-5 minutes is usually fine). Tell it at bedtime when they're in theta state.

You don't need perfection. You need consistency.

Step 4 - Reinforce During the Day

When you see the value in action: "That was kind, like Ember."

When your child demonstrates it: "You're becoming really kind."

When they struggle: "What would Ember do here?"

This is how the character becomes part of their internal voice.

Pro tip: Don't expect instant results. Values install slowly through repetition. You might not see proof until Week 2 or 3. Trust the process.

Advanced tip: You don't need to be a great storyteller. I'm not. Kids just love stories. Tell it with passion and conviction, and it'll get through. They respond to your energy more than your plot twists.

PICKS

🎧 Listen: The Power of Family Stories - Hidden Brain - Psychologist Robyn Fivush explains how repeated family stories shape children's identity and emotional wellbeing. The research shows stories told again and again become part of how children see themselves.

📚 Read: The Storytelling Animal by Jonathan Gottschall - Why stories shape human behavior and identity. Gottschall shows how children naturally use stories to rehearse life's challenges and how repeated narratives become part of who they are.

❤️ Quote: "It's like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story." - Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind

CHALLENGE

Pick one value. Pick one character. Start tonight. Let the repetition do the work.

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