The "Don't" Trap: Say the Thing You Actually Want

We were out back in our pool. My son climbed out, dripping, and took off across the deck.

The words were already on my lips. "Don't run."

I caught them before they landed. Because I know what he does with a sentence like that.

He hears run.

So I said the other thing instead. "We walk outside the pool." And he walked.

Same goal. One version hands him the picture I want. The other hands him the one I'm scared of, on a wet deck.

What's Inside

THE INSIGHT: Why "don't run" makes them run, and the one word that quietly tells them to fail.

WHAT TO DO THIS WEEK: Flip your "don'ts" into the thing you actually want.

PICKS: The polar bear you can't stop thinking about, the classic on phrasing, and a line about words.

CHALLENGE: Catch one "don't" before it leaves your mouth.

THE INSIGHT

Last week we were talking to the version of your kid who's already capable, so they reached for it.

This week is another simple, and powerful concept.

Say the thing you want them to do. Not the thing you're trying to stop.

So, instead of saying something like "Don't run," you say "Walk."

The reason is that when your child hears "Don't...," they have to think of that thing first just to process it.

So, for them to process "Don't run" they first have to think about running. Then they have to negate it. Running, in this case.

So the loudest word in the sentence is the exact one you're trying to prevent. And with a young kid especially, the negating part doesn't always happen.

You said "Don't run."

And all they heard was... "Run!"

Someone I know consulted for the Toronto Police on exactly this.

Officers used to shout "Don't move." Under stress, people would move anyway. All they would hear was... "Move."

So, instead he helped train them to say what they wanted instead. "Freeze." or "Stay right where you are."

The results were astounding. The instruction finally pointed at the thing they wanted to happen.

And these were grown, trained adults, under real pressure. This wiring doesn't age out. It works on all of us.

Your kid runs on the same wiring. "Don't spill" loads the spill. "Don't drop it" hands them the drop.

Flip each one to the picture you actually want. "Hold it with two hands." or "Feet on the floor." or "Keep the water in the tub."

You're aiming their attention and focus on what you actually want them to do.

There's also another similar concept with a word we use all the time... the word "try."

"Try to fall asleep." or "Try to be nicer to your sister."

"Try" implies that this will be hard, that it maybe won't happen. It presupposes the struggle the same way a good sentence can presuppose the yes.

"Try" presupposes failure.

Drop it and name the outcome. Not "try to get your shoes on." Just "shoes on, then we're out the door."

One thing to be aware of.

This isn't about policing every word, or never saying no. A sharp "stop" when they're headed for the street is exactly right, and you'll say plenty of "don'ts" you don't have time to reword.

I still do... just like in the opening story. Though, I usually catch myself and reword it.

And if they're already too far into a big feeling to hear you, no phrasing reaches them yet.

This is about the ordinary asks. The ten a day, where you actually want cooperation.

Point at what you want them to do instead of what you don't want.

WHAT TO DO THIS WEEK

Pick off one at a time. When you hear yourself start a "don't ___," stop and ask what you want them to do instead, then say that.

"Don't yell" becomes "use your quiet voice." "Don't leave your shoes there" becomes "shoes go in the closet." "Stop hitting" becomes "use your words." Same ask, but now the words carry the picture you want them to step into, not the one you're trying to erase.

Then catch the trys. For a day, listen for "try to," and cut the try. "Try to eat your dinner" becomes "dinner first, then we'll read." You're not demanding more, you're just stopping the sentence from whispering that it probably won't happen.

Take it to bedtime, too. Give your character the thing they did, not the thing they avoided. Not "a boy who didn't panic." "A boy who took a slow breath and found his footing." Let the story show the action you want, so your kid has a picture to borrow.

If your kid's older, skip the reword and just say it straight, then hand them the target. "Phone charges in the kitchen overnight," not "don't take your phone to bed." Name the thing you want to happen, and let them aim at that.

Pro tip: Run it on your own head, too. The pressure version of you says "don't lose it," "don't screw this up," and every one of those paints the exact thing you're dreading. Catch one and flip it. "Stay steady." "Keep my voice low." You aim your own attention the same way you aim theirs.

PICKS

🎧 Listen: How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen - How to Talk with Dr. Robyn Silverman, with Joanna Faber and Julie King. Their line for it: redirect the train instead of stopping it. Tell your kid what to do, not what not to do, with example after example you can steal for the morning rush.

📚 Read: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk - the classic on saying the thing you want instead of the thing you don't. Half the book is turning a "don't" or a "stop" into a sentence a kid can actually act on.

❤️ Quote: "Try to pose for yourself this task: not to think of a polar bear, and you will see that the cursed thing will come to mind every minute." - Fyodor Dostoevsky.

CHALLENGE

This week, catch one "don't" before it leaves your mouth. Just one. Stop, figure out what you actually want them to do, and say that instead. Watch what changes.

Reply and tell me the flip you caught.